Cow Milk Toilet Seat

No, that's neither the name of a late 1980s Japanese game show nor the title of the German remake of The Truth About Cats & Dogs. It's a description of the single greatest thing I have ever seen--and which, to my great regret, I will likely never be able to own.  As sad as that is, we can still enjoy it together via the internet.

Come, friends! Take my hands as we venture into the world of the Cow Milk Toilet Seat.

Fool your friends! It looks like an innocent cow print when closed, but look out!

she is really not impressed with your butt.

I KNOW. This cow is squirting milk from her udder...on to the toilet seat.  The best part, for me, is wondering who in the hell thought this would be funny. Who had this idea? Yes! Cow milk + udder + toilet = HILARITY. Why, we'll be top in the toilet seat game!

"Say, Bill, I was just thinking..."
"Yes, Walt?"
"Well, it might be a little crazy."
"Oh ho, Walt! We are old work friends. I won't let you make a fool of yourself."
"Thanks, Bill. Well, you see, I had this idea for a toilet seat."
"Right, right."
"I was thinking, the top of it should be a plain cow print, and when you open the lid, there's a picture of a cow standing in grass on the inside."
"Walt! You are a damned genius."
"...the seat part should be half green, and the cow should be looking back over its shoulder and squirting milk from its udder, pictured on the lid, on to the seat."
"Hmm. I see. Yes. ...It could work, but only if the cow is drawn up in just such a way as to make its head appear to be growing out of its buttcheek."
"Say! That's a great idea, Bill. Maybe somehow the cow can be made to look simultaneously apathetic, whacked out on sleeping pills, and disapproving of the butt that graces the seat?"
"By Golly, now you've really got something! Say, Walt-- just how much milk were you thinking of, here?"
"Oh, plenty! Enough to form several puddles."
"Sounds charming!"

I won't bother to write out the scenario in which someone with power approves this design and sends it off to be made, because it would be too short. STAMP OF APPROVAL within seconds, I am sure, because LOOK AT IT.

Well-- I am speechless. This is obviously the greatest thing I have ever found. Clearly, I must own it. It is the supreme destiny of my very soul that I should be in possession of such a thing. I spent 45 minutes scouring the internet for a place to buy one, and I finally found it for sale-- in England and France, where they are available for roughly 70 and 75 dollars, respectively. And that's before shipping. Much wailing and tearing of hair commenced.

So, alas, I can never have it...but I can dream! Oh, how this thing would complete our (unintentional) home decor scheme of ugly, tacky crap with animals on it! It would be the crowning glory of our collection of The Ugliest Crap We Can Find.

The day we win the lottery, I swear to god. That very day.

Actual Bathroom Cats

Hello, boys and girls! Once again, I cannot sleep, so I thought I'd come back and give you the full story of the bathroom cats for whom this stupid, stupid blog is named.

Mr. Cats works in a gas station. They got a big stack of goofy 3-D pictures in-- things like a majestic stallion prancing in the rain, moonlit wolves howling in profile, and so on. (He tells me they sell out of those faster than they can restock them, by the way!) His discerning eye fell upon this thing-- a sight wondrous to behold-- and he knew we absolutely had to own it. And so he bought it, and my jaw hit the floor. Where, where on earth could we possibly hang this thing? Well, at the time we were living in a charming, delightful old house which had been converted into separate apartments, and as in many such buildings, our apartment had an odd feature or two. One of them was a big window in our bathroom, over looking a staircase. A public staircase. And so the cats went up over the window. When we moved, the only logical place to put them was in the bathroom. And they'll be in every bathroom we have for the rest of time.

Here it is, a sight wondrous to behold:

As you can see, four out of these seven cats want to scratch you to death so they can nibble your face.

Because who doesn't need an Olan Mills style portrait of seven cats with an array of plant life?

(Please excuse the weird angle; I had to hold the camera oddly to avoid glare.) Starting at the bottom left and going clockwise, we have General Fluffykins, Sherbet, Freddie Hart, Freddy Fender, Conway Twitty, Webb Pierce, and Don Gay* (in the middle).  (Is it just me, or does Sherbet look like he knows something you don't know? I think Sherbet is full of sassy secrets.)

As I mentioned above, this thing is 3-D, and they appear to move as you pass them. I wish you could get the full effect! Their eyes follow you. They stare at you while you're doing your business. they watch you dry off as you exit the shower. They hang opposite the mirror, so they gaze serenely over your shoulder while you brush your teeth or trim your nose hair or whatever it is you're doing in my bathroom, you weirdo.

In other news, I'm pretty sure I just found a photo of the guy responsible for the bathroom cats' existence. I am 89% sure this man was the designer who put that gem together, because only a cat- loving man with glasses like manhole covers and a mullet from here to mississippi could come up with something so incredible.

This man speaks to his cat only in Klingon

You know he's a badass, because he's not even afraid of the laser beams the photographer is shooting at him.

*I think that's Don Gay...

Top this, grumpy cat.

I was browsing vintage My Little Ponies on ebay today (hey, don't judge me) and I found...something. I'm not sure what it is. I think it may be a kitten who got caught in a bag of cotton candy and became mummified within it. Or maybe a clown farted on a cat. I can't tell.

Are you ready? Do you think you can handle it?



...Okay. Here it is.

Go ahead and take a moment to take it all in. I know, I know.


...And it looks even better from the back.

RAT TAILZ 4-EVA

I did mention it's for sale, didn't I? Yes, ladies and gents, you can be the proud owner of one mummified cotton candy clown fart cat for the low, low price of $17.99. Must have this holiday season!

Fake Animal Cowboy Oasis: Even Faker

Welcome back for part two of Fake Animal Cowboy Oasis! If you missed part one, you can find it right here. Shall we?

Hey, guess what? Looks like there's an actual theater room in here. Cool!

No, those aren't watering cans shooting confetti all over the floor! Those are, in fact, old-timey movie cameras surrounded by ribbons and...well, something that looks suspiciously like confetti. This, kids, is Grade A Cosmic Bowling carpet. I am genuinely astounded that anyone BUT me would ever, ever choose to have this crap in their home.

Just look at it! It is marvelous. I think that carpet may win the whole house. It's like the 90s ate a metric ton of Now and Laters, washed them down with a fistful of nerds and a Big Gulp of Surge, played Skip It for twenty minutes and then honked all over the floor. Beautiful!

"Hey, you know what we should put in this gigantic, cavernous room? A bed set from 1987, complete with 80's mismatched pillowcases and some stuffed animals we won found at Adventureland. Also a crappy painting, and an empty dresser, and then nothing else. Rad!"

The giant thing over the bed stays. I don't care about the Steelers, or sports in general, but HOO, BOY, is that lovely. Is it like a football dream catcher, there to stop bad dreams about your team performing poorly? What the hell. Also note that the snowmen on the wreath on the right are wearing Steelers gear. I don't even know what to say about that.

Speaking of dream catchers, look what I found in the other fake bar!

Why? I ask you, why? Why does the sink need a dream catcher? Does it keep clogged drains away?

And to the left, we have what I believe to be a new variety of saddlery-as-seating. I swear to Richard Simmons, this house is the gift that keeps on giving.

This room is clearly huge. I could have cropped it more, but then you'd be missing out on the sheer ginormity of it. So, in the back, we have a pool table, more crappy wall art, and a couple of neon signs. That, right there, is apparently know as "The Nasty Boys Theater."*

Now, in part one, I pointed out two built in glass display cases and said I was going to fill them with vintage My Little Ponies. I retract those statements. What I am going to do instead is remodel this area, as quickly as I can, into a small My Little Pony show room. And I will even have a big table in the middle, and I will buy the My Little Pony show stable, and the My Little Pony carrying case, and I will buy easter grass for hay and my friend Melissa will come over and we will build a fort and do their hair.

 I guess I'd better put a wine fridge in there, too.

...and I'm not changing the name.

  lol! lol!

That's about all there is to see inside...

Friends, there is but one word for this deck. It begins with a B, and it ends with itchin'. Don't worry, we're fixin' to upgrade the furniture! We'll rustle up some durn comfy seating fer y'all before the housewarming barbeque! (Hint: Saddles)

Ugh, who needs it, right? Barf. So awful.  You can just barely see the corner of an outbuilding in the upper right hand corner-- that's my batcave. SHHHH

Well, I think that wraps it up. The verdict: We'll take it, as long as they leave their stupidest crap behind.




* EDIT: It has occured to me in the cold light of day that that sign is right next to a door--which probably leads to the theater room. I don't care. I'm still calling the pony room Nasty Boys Theater.

Fake Animal Cowboy Oasis

Hello! This is the part where we look the place over and carefully consider whether it is worth forking over a cool 1.3 mil.

Note, I have just discovered that clicking on the photo will make it bigger. It's your lucky day!

 Welcome to Ye Olde Cowboy Ranch, or something.

 This dining room features a bunch of ugly crap and a terrible paint job. Antler light fixture and creepy doll optional. Fake tiny eagles in fake nest which is attached to the wall via a fake branch, for some reason? FREAKING MANDATORY. Hell yeah, you leave me the eagles and the seriousness of my offer increases ten fold. If I can put gummy worms in their beaks, I will buy the crap outta this house. I think. Moving on...

Is this for real? Either these people had six little children, or they are nuts, because those counter-mounted seats are no-way-in-hell going to support adults. Hell, if you put six very small adults up there, I'm pretty sure that counter's going to start tipping like a swing set with too many sixth graders on it. Or the counter is coming down. No. Way. Also, more ugly paint. Ugh. Egads.

 

Okay, this one is going to require a bit more study. Go ahead, take a good look at it. I'll wait.

Yes, those stools are saddles. THE STOOLS. ARE SADDLES. I think I just solved the  kitchen counter seating issues. If I'm buying this house, these beautiful things have to stay.

Now let's take a closer look at the left wall...

 ...And now the right wall.

And by "why," what I meant was, "Why in the hell do I not own this already?" In case you can't see him, folks, that is an Armadillo wearing a hat, and holster with a gun in it. The Good, the Bad and the Shell-Encased? Have Armor, Will Travel? Two Armadillos for Sister Sarah? Fastest...okay, those were awful. I'm out. But for real, I NEED THAT THING. 

Friends, if I'm going to buy this house, the Armadillo stays. Hey, look at me! Not only am I getting a house, I'm getting boatloads of ugly crap-- and if I love anything, it is boatloads of ugly, ugly crap! Best day ever, and it's not over yet! Let's check out the office.

Well, the walls are a hideous color, but the views look nice! Lots of windows to let in light, that's not too bad. I could probably put a big bookshelf over there where that OH HOLY MERCIFUL JESUS CRAP IT'S A WOLF. Hey, good thing that's not really, really weird! Ha ha ha!

Nothing makes you feel productive in the home office like a large, predatory animal looking over your shoulder! This little fella is ready to jump all over you and tear your flesh with his razor sharp teeth the second you click on pinterest. Get back to work, bozo! Ha! Ha!

I lied. It is super, super weird. I'll be chiseling that delight off the wall approximately four minutes after we get the keys.

...or I have my best friend Meagan Tron come in, destroy everything but Creepy Wolf (we call him Fluffles) and paint in something awesome. (Submissions currently being accepted.)

WHAT IN THE EVER LOVING BILL COSBY WEAVING ON A LOOM. I don't even know. I can't. MORE EAGLES. Why? Why, why on earth do you need fake eagles in your house? Well, other than a place to put gummy worms. Is it a constant practical joke? Your friend thinks s/he is about to get pooped on? "Ha, ha, dummy! There is no bird! That is a FAKE bird! Ha! Ha! Real birds don't eat gummy worms!"

...Or, are they Fluffles the Pinterest Wolf's back up crew? You thought you were safe in the living room, pinning 400,000 totes adorbs crafts you will never, ever do with your children, but WAIT! ...Did that eagle just move? Yes. Yes he did. And then he pecks your eyes out. 

 All the sudden, I think I kind of love this house.

Part Two... Fake Animal Cowboy Oasis: Even Faker.

Introduction and explanation of weird blog title and so on

Why, hello!

I created this blog, just this minute, so I could share with some of my dearest friends a most GLORIOUS house my mother just sent to me.

Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up.

We are poor folks who are never in a million years going to live in a house like the one I am about to show you. Nevertheless, we both (ok, mostly her) tend to go "house shopping" online. Just in case we win the lottery tomorrow, or find a giant suitcase stuffed with cash in an alley. You know, stuff that happens all the time. Gotta be prepared!

When one of us finds a good one, we'll send it to the other for perusal. I found a huge one with a gatehouse, a pond and 3 or 4 acres of land in a nice neighborhood a week or two ago, and sent it to her as my Christmas list. (ha ha, ho ho.) She sent me back this treasure, which I will happily walk you through now.

Oh, wait, the bathroom cats thing. Yeah, you can just name a blog any old thing, apparently. Cool, huh? We have a Sears Portrait Studio circa 1983 style, 3d, holographic picture of cats in our bathroom. Yep. More on those here.  Since so much of the house you are about to see tickles my that-is-so-tacky-it's-amazing bone, much like the cats, Bathroom Cats was the first thing that popped into my head.

Okay, okay, to the house! Huzzah! Yee-haw! and so on.