Fake Animal Cowboy Oasis

Hello! This is the part where we look the place over and carefully consider whether it is worth forking over a cool 1.3 mil.

Note, I have just discovered that clicking on the photo will make it bigger. It's your lucky day!

 Welcome to Ye Olde Cowboy Ranch, or something.

 This dining room features a bunch of ugly crap and a terrible paint job. Antler light fixture and creepy doll optional. Fake tiny eagles in fake nest which is attached to the wall via a fake branch, for some reason? FREAKING MANDATORY. Hell yeah, you leave me the eagles and the seriousness of my offer increases ten fold. If I can put gummy worms in their beaks, I will buy the crap outta this house. I think. Moving on...

Is this for real? Either these people had six little children, or they are nuts, because those counter-mounted seats are no-way-in-hell going to support adults. Hell, if you put six very small adults up there, I'm pretty sure that counter's going to start tipping like a swing set with too many sixth graders on it. Or the counter is coming down. No. Way. Also, more ugly paint. Ugh. Egads.

 

Okay, this one is going to require a bit more study. Go ahead, take a good look at it. I'll wait.

Yes, those stools are saddles. THE STOOLS. ARE SADDLES. I think I just solved the  kitchen counter seating issues. If I'm buying this house, these beautiful things have to stay.

Now let's take a closer look at the left wall...

 ...And now the right wall.

And by "why," what I meant was, "Why in the hell do I not own this already?" In case you can't see him, folks, that is an Armadillo wearing a hat, and holster with a gun in it. The Good, the Bad and the Shell-Encased? Have Armor, Will Travel? Two Armadillos for Sister Sarah? Fastest...okay, those were awful. I'm out. But for real, I NEED THAT THING. 

Friends, if I'm going to buy this house, the Armadillo stays. Hey, look at me! Not only am I getting a house, I'm getting boatloads of ugly crap-- and if I love anything, it is boatloads of ugly, ugly crap! Best day ever, and it's not over yet! Let's check out the office.

Well, the walls are a hideous color, but the views look nice! Lots of windows to let in light, that's not too bad. I could probably put a big bookshelf over there where that OH HOLY MERCIFUL JESUS CRAP IT'S A WOLF. Hey, good thing that's not really, really weird! Ha ha ha!

Nothing makes you feel productive in the home office like a large, predatory animal looking over your shoulder! This little fella is ready to jump all over you and tear your flesh with his razor sharp teeth the second you click on pinterest. Get back to work, bozo! Ha! Ha!

I lied. It is super, super weird. I'll be chiseling that delight off the wall approximately four minutes after we get the keys.

...or I have my best friend Meagan Tron come in, destroy everything but Creepy Wolf (we call him Fluffles) and paint in something awesome. (Submissions currently being accepted.)

WHAT IN THE EVER LOVING BILL COSBY WEAVING ON A LOOM. I don't even know. I can't. MORE EAGLES. Why? Why, why on earth do you need fake eagles in your house? Well, other than a place to put gummy worms. Is it a constant practical joke? Your friend thinks s/he is about to get pooped on? "Ha, ha, dummy! There is no bird! That is a FAKE bird! Ha! Ha! Real birds don't eat gummy worms!"

...Or, are they Fluffles the Pinterest Wolf's back up crew? You thought you were safe in the living room, pinning 400,000 totes adorbs crafts you will never, ever do with your children, but WAIT! ...Did that eagle just move? Yes. Yes he did. And then he pecks your eyes out. 

 All the sudden, I think I kind of love this house.

Part Two... Fake Animal Cowboy Oasis: Even Faker.