Cow Milk Toilet Seat

No, that's neither the name of a late 1980s Japanese game show nor the title of the German remake of The Truth About Cats & Dogs. It's a description of the single greatest thing I have ever seen--and which, to my great regret, I will likely never be able to own.  As sad as that is, we can still enjoy it together via the internet.

Come, friends! Take my hands as we venture into the world of the Cow Milk Toilet Seat.

Fool your friends! It looks like an innocent cow print when closed, but look out!

she is really not impressed with your butt.

I KNOW. This cow is squirting milk from her udder...on to the toilet seat.  The best part, for me, is wondering who in the hell thought this would be funny. Who had this idea? Yes! Cow milk + udder + toilet = HILARITY. Why, we'll be top in the toilet seat game!

"Say, Bill, I was just thinking..."
"Yes, Walt?"
"Well, it might be a little crazy."
"Oh ho, Walt! We are old work friends. I won't let you make a fool of yourself."
"Thanks, Bill. Well, you see, I had this idea for a toilet seat."
"Right, right."
"I was thinking, the top of it should be a plain cow print, and when you open the lid, there's a picture of a cow standing in grass on the inside."
"Walt! You are a damned genius."
"...the seat part should be half green, and the cow should be looking back over its shoulder and squirting milk from its udder, pictured on the lid, on to the seat."
"Hmm. I see. Yes. ...It could work, but only if the cow is drawn up in just such a way as to make its head appear to be growing out of its buttcheek."
"Say! That's a great idea, Bill. Maybe somehow the cow can be made to look simultaneously apathetic, whacked out on sleeping pills, and disapproving of the butt that graces the seat?"
"By Golly, now you've really got something! Say, Walt-- just how much milk were you thinking of, here?"
"Oh, plenty! Enough to form several puddles."
"Sounds charming!"

I won't bother to write out the scenario in which someone with power approves this design and sends it off to be made, because it would be too short. STAMP OF APPROVAL within seconds, I am sure, because LOOK AT IT.

Well-- I am speechless. This is obviously the greatest thing I have ever found. Clearly, I must own it. It is the supreme destiny of my very soul that I should be in possession of such a thing. I spent 45 minutes scouring the internet for a place to buy one, and I finally found it for sale-- in England and France, where they are available for roughly 70 and 75 dollars, respectively. And that's before shipping. Much wailing and tearing of hair commenced.

So, alas, I can never have it...but I can dream! Oh, how this thing would complete our (unintentional) home decor scheme of ugly, tacky crap with animals on it! It would be the crowning glory of our collection of The Ugliest Crap We Can Find.

The day we win the lottery, I swear to god. That very day.