Cow Milk Toilet Seat

No, that's neither the name of a late 1980s Japanese game show nor the title of the German remake of The Truth About Cats & Dogs. It's a description of the single greatest thing I have ever seen--and which, to my great regret, I will likely never be able to own.  As sad as that is, we can still enjoy it together via the internet.

Come, friends! Take my hands as we venture into the world of the Cow Milk Toilet Seat.

Fool your friends! It looks like an innocent cow print when closed, but look out!

she is really not impressed with your butt.

I KNOW. This cow is squirting milk from her udder...on to the toilet seat.  The best part, for me, is wondering who in the hell thought this would be funny. Who had this idea? Yes! Cow milk + udder + toilet = HILARITY. Why, we'll be top in the toilet seat game!

"Say, Bill, I was just thinking..."
"Yes, Walt?"
"Well, it might be a little crazy."
"Oh ho, Walt! We are old work friends. I won't let you make a fool of yourself."
"Thanks, Bill. Well, you see, I had this idea for a toilet seat."
"Right, right."
"I was thinking, the top of it should be a plain cow print, and when you open the lid, there's a picture of a cow standing in grass on the inside."
"Walt! You are a damned genius."
"...the seat part should be half green, and the cow should be looking back over its shoulder and squirting milk from its udder, pictured on the lid, on to the seat."
"Hmm. I see. Yes. ...It could work, but only if the cow is drawn up in just such a way as to make its head appear to be growing out of its buttcheek."
"Say! That's a great idea, Bill. Maybe somehow the cow can be made to look simultaneously apathetic, whacked out on sleeping pills, and disapproving of the butt that graces the seat?"
"By Golly, now you've really got something! Say, Walt-- just how much milk were you thinking of, here?"
"Oh, plenty! Enough to form several puddles."
"Sounds charming!"

I won't bother to write out the scenario in which someone with power approves this design and sends it off to be made, because it would be too short. STAMP OF APPROVAL within seconds, I am sure, because LOOK AT IT.

Well-- I am speechless. This is obviously the greatest thing I have ever found. Clearly, I must own it. It is the supreme destiny of my very soul that I should be in possession of such a thing. I spent 45 minutes scouring the internet for a place to buy one, and I finally found it for sale-- in England and France, where they are available for roughly 70 and 75 dollars, respectively. And that's before shipping. Much wailing and tearing of hair commenced.

So, alas, I can never have it...but I can dream! Oh, how this thing would complete our (unintentional) home decor scheme of ugly, tacky crap with animals on it! It would be the crowning glory of our collection of The Ugliest Crap We Can Find.

The day we win the lottery, I swear to god. That very day.

Actual Bathroom Cats

Hello, boys and girls! Once again, I cannot sleep, so I thought I'd come back and give you the full story of the bathroom cats for whom this stupid, stupid blog is named.

Mr. Cats works in a gas station. They got a big stack of goofy 3-D pictures in-- things like a majestic stallion prancing in the rain, moonlit wolves howling in profile, and so on. (He tells me they sell out of those faster than they can restock them, by the way!) His discerning eye fell upon this thing-- a sight wondrous to behold-- and he knew we absolutely had to own it. And so he bought it, and my jaw hit the floor. Where, where on earth could we possibly hang this thing? Well, at the time we were living in a charming, delightful old house which had been converted into separate apartments, and as in many such buildings, our apartment had an odd feature or two. One of them was a big window in our bathroom, over looking a staircase. A public staircase. And so the cats went up over the window. When we moved, the only logical place to put them was in the bathroom. And they'll be in every bathroom we have for the rest of time.

Here it is, a sight wondrous to behold:

As you can see, four out of these seven cats want to scratch you to death so they can nibble your face.

Because who doesn't need an Olan Mills style portrait of seven cats with an array of plant life?

(Please excuse the weird angle; I had to hold the camera oddly to avoid glare.) Starting at the bottom left and going clockwise, we have General Fluffykins, Sherbet, Freddie Hart, Freddy Fender, Conway Twitty, Webb Pierce, and Don Gay* (in the middle).  (Is it just me, or does Sherbet look like he knows something you don't know? I think Sherbet is full of sassy secrets.)

As I mentioned above, this thing is 3-D, and they appear to move as you pass them. I wish you could get the full effect! Their eyes follow you. They stare at you while you're doing your business. they watch you dry off as you exit the shower. They hang opposite the mirror, so they gaze serenely over your shoulder while you brush your teeth or trim your nose hair or whatever it is you're doing in my bathroom, you weirdo.

In other news, I'm pretty sure I just found a photo of the guy responsible for the bathroom cats' existence. I am 89% sure this man was the designer who put that gem together, because only a cat- loving man with glasses like manhole covers and a mullet from here to mississippi could come up with something so incredible.

This man speaks to his cat only in Klingon

You know he's a badass, because he's not even afraid of the laser beams the photographer is shooting at him.

*I think that's Don Gay...